Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
