When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
