Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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