i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
