You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
