So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
