My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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