everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
