So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I will be naked everywhere
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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