): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
