I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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