What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
