last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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