so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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