I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
