I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just want to make out with him forever
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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