If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
