ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
