Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
