At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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