I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
