I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just pee around me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
