Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
