its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.