I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just pee around me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Randomize
