my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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