My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
People in love make me want to vomit
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
