well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It was confusing and full of hummus
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
