Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How does it feel to date your dad?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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