Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
