I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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