This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
