hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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