you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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