Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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