There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
