I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
