Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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