You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
