FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
