Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
