I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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