Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
