I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
