I can text with my tongue
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
