well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
