How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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