Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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