I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
