Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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