I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
