just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
