Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
