I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
