so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
