im about as happy as oj after his trial
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
