Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
